I am a charismatic figure, often seen leaping tall buildings in a single bound or moving faster than a speeding bullet. I have been known to build houses for the homeless in the slums of Harlem on my lunch breaks. I walk old ladies across the street, I write motivational speeches, and I double down on twenty and win – all in half an hour. I sleep in a Yoga position on a bed of nails while drinking water. Occasionally, I run the New York Marathon and win. I take women’s breaths away with my divine artwork.

I move so quickly I make Bruce Lee look like a chump and my deft-defying footwork leaves Michael Jordan in awe. I am wanted in 2,359 countries as a political outlaw and am worshiped by a small Pygmy tribe in Africa. Using a pair of chopsticks and soy sauce I once saved a small Chinese restaurant in Brooklyn from the Asian Mafia. I build mainframe telecommunication networks for fun and single-handedly defeated twenty people in a game of Dodge Ball. I’ve been banned from playing the lottery because I win so much. In a Hyundai Excel I ran the quarter mile in the high 9’s. My incredible good looks are such that I make lesbians go straight.

Scientists have preserved my DNA for the cloning of a future bio-genetically engineered army to take over the world. I coined the phrase “Bootie Call” and your sister once had a crush on me not so long ago. I write articles for The New York Times, GQ, and The Wall Street Journal just to amuse myself. I scored a 1600 on the SAT.

Girls faint as I pass by, and elderly women regularly go into cardiac arrest from my good looks. I can build a multi-level house from a deck of cards in under 15 seconds, and my legions of fans adore me from near and afar. I’ve had 7 stalkers wait naked in bed for me in the last month – 5 were women. All of this I’ve accomplished yet… I still can’t figure out how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop.

P.S. There is apparently a model with the same name as me. I am NOT that model.