What She Doesn’t Know Will Kill You

This was an article that appeared in the UMass college newspaper, The Daily Collegian, written by Matt Brochu, dated November 21, 2003. I didn’t write this and just reposted in on my blog a long time ago. Apparently this piece gets passed around a lot and I got a ton of requests to put it back up so here it is:

You met her a few months ago, and somehow she managed to seep into your subconscious like that “Suga how you get so fly” song. Just like you have no clue who the hell sings it, you don’t know why she’s there. But she is, whether you like it or not. You know her cell phone, her room phone. You can dial her Aunt Doreen’s house in West Springfield (where she goes to do her laundry every two weeks) faster than you can peck-out 911. But she doesn’t know.

Her screenname, that generic one with her first name followed by three to five random numbers or UMass, has its own category at the top of your buddy list. Not only do you know what a “Buddy Alert” is, you’ve rigged your computer to play “Fat Guy in a Little Coat” from “Tommy Boy” every time her screen name changes from gray to black. Then her away message comes down, and you have a decision to make. To IM or not to IM? These are the ridiculous games that you play on a daily basis. But she doesn’t know.

She’s it. All right, so maybe not “it” it. Not necessarily Ms. Right, but closer to Ms. Right – up – there – with – Anna – Kournikova – and – Lizzie – McGuire – on – your – list – of – people – you’d – give – anything – to – be – stranded – with – on – a – broken – down – elevator. But it’s about more than that. When is it ever about more than that? Never. Not like frilly white dress, overpriced catering, embarrassing drunk in-laws more, but closer to UMass sweatpants, two D.P. Dough Roni Zonies, a futon and a movie you have no interest in seeing more. But she doesn’t know.

She’s gorgeous, but gorgeous is an understatement. More like you’re startled every time you see her because you notice something new in a “Where’s Waldo” sort of way. More like you can’t stop writing third grade run-on sentences because you can’t remotely begin to describe something … someone … so inherently amazing. But you’re a writer. You can describe anything. That’s what you do: pictures to words, events to words, words to even better words. But nothing seems right. More like you’re afraid that if you stare at her for too long, you’ll prove your parents right: that yes, your face will stick that way. But you wouldn’t mind.

You wouldn’t mind that the questioning, “Hello?” on the other end makes you want to smile and throw up at the same time. You wouldn’t mind worrying about what to get her for her birthday and spending $300 when you only have $17.50 and a Triple-A card to your name. You wouldn’t mind that she left your TV on and the blaring infomercials wake you up at 4 a.m. … because it gives you a chance to watch her sleep. You don’t mind that you’ve slipped up twice when you were hammered and hinted at how you feel, but she was too drunk to remember. So she doesn’t know.

Sure, she’s pretty, but it’s about more than that. You two connect. Anything you throw at her, she can throw right back. You figured out what’s going on in that predictable head of hers in under five minutes, but something tells you her heart would take about five years.

You remember everything she’s ever said to you, and when that freaks her out you blame it on your photographic memory (which is a lie, you have a 2.7 GPA). You can’t remember your teaching assistant’s name, and you can’t remember that your Puffton rent check was due four days ago, yet you remember the middle name of the kid who tripped her in fifth grade and gave her that cute little scar on her shoulder. Maybe it’s because you actually listen when she talks. When do you actually listen? Never. But she doesn’t know.

But she has a boyfriend. The kid is a tool, and you are not. He has no redeeming qualities, and you have about 38, even when you’re hung over. You could kick his butt, and you’ve never been in a fight in your life. He treats her like crap, and you would treat her like the princess she believed herself to be on Halloween in 1988.

But she loves him. He wouldn’t know what he had even if she slapped him across the face and dumped him, but somehow she still loves him. And somehow she still doesn’t know.

Then, out of nowhere, she slaps him across the face and dumps him. She comes to you. You’ve been there before, so you seem like the smartest guy on earth. She cries, but your corny half-joke, half-compliment somehow gets a smile out of her that almost makes you feel ashamed that you’re the only one around who gets to witness it. It looks like you might make her realize that all guys don’t deserve to have rocks thrown at them.

But nothing changes. She doesn’t know. You get that library elevator feeling in your stomach that she’ll never know. You get that feeling that you’ll be forced to write a cheesy Collegian column about her that makes “Sleepless in Seattle” look like “Girls Gone Wild.”

You go to sleep. You wake up. She doesn’t know. You’re not in love. You’re not obsessed. You blame it on the fact that you just need to get some, but still, it’s about more than that. It would just be nice if once in your life, things worked out the way you wanted them to.

So ___________, it’s about time you know.

Now cut this out, fill in her name, and give it to her, coward. Just let me know how it works out.

64 Replies to “What She Doesn’t Know Will Kill You”

  1. Okay….first off, I did enjoy this read. Although it started off way better than it finished. I remember at one point in my life, I was that guy, the one who was the pussy. I was that guy basically up until my 3rd year of college. I’m not ashamed to say I had way to many girls that I was madly in love and they had no idea, etc.

    Here’s the part I don’t like, f*cking nut up man. I stopped being that guy because I chose not to be that guy. It’s great to have friends that are girls, that are hot girls, that’s never bad. But when you get to a point like that with a girl, I don’t care who you are, it never works out with them being together. In all my experience and trials I’ve never once heard it coming out good for the guy who is “the friend”. I have a guy I know who’s a perfect example. He has had some hot friends that are girls. Not one of them ever dated him. He was just good enough at it to make other people think without asking that he was dating them.

    So…f*cking grow some balls, get a tattoo or something, drink whiskey until you puke, bottom line is you have to be the one who stops being the “friend”, know when to show that you want to be more than just friends when the time is right, and not when it’s too late. At some point there is always the place where a decision is made to be only friends or more. Know that opportunity and grasp it.

    Sometimes it rocks to be the “guy who doesn’t know what he has”, because damn it, HE still has it. So all you whiny pussies can go home.

  2. awwwwwwwww 🙂 i think its something every girl would wish to get in her locker first thing in the morning and then turn around to see that guy standing behind her and realize she always felt the same way he did

  3. and maybe if she didn’t feel the same way she’d totally appreciate it because it was the first time a guy has actually noticed her..that means a lot to a girl…i should know ;]

  4. It makes you think alot!I meen i love my best friend we just broke up after a 4 weeks relationship and I want here so bad back because she is the first person I realy love!

  5. this is the cutest thing ever!!!!!! i would LOOOOOOOVE if i had someone feel the exact same way…….thing is….this is exactly how i feel about one of my best friends…. this article is pretty much perfection 0=)

  6. oh yes… definitely been in this situation before. it’s true that once you get to a certain point in a friendship, and you haven’t clued her in as to how strongly you feel, it is nearly impossible for you two to be more than just good friends. The guy that’s always there for her, that she turns to for everything, that she calls of texts constantly when she’s goin through stuff with her bf; yet, when all is peachy keen she is nowhere to be found. story of my life. it’s just the way it is. in a way…im honored to be someone they can turn to when they’re down, but it’s hard. it’s innate to want and be wanted by someone else, and when you’re friendship and loyalty is being taken for granted, you sometimes just don’t know how to feel. this is a hard situation to be in. but i think it is so beautiful. it’s life. im always gonna be the nice guy, no matter how much other dudes say i should be an a-hole to get girls, im not gonna change cause i know there are girls out there who know what’s real. and if she doesn’t, than someone else will. but i know….it’s FREAKIN TORTURE! haha! take care peoples!

    love…
    izzie

  7. hey all. izzie again. ive been reading through all these posts and i just wanted to comment on what ashley said. she really hit on a good point when she says that us guys shouldn’t just end the friendship with a girl just because our expectations and hopes of love were smashed into a million pieces. i think it’s so true that there’s a reason why these girls want us in their lives as friends. a lot of the time romantic relationships start and fizzle down, usually ending in hurt feelings and burnt bridges. as for frienships, if both people sacrifice and are honest with each other, they will last for a very long time. i know it sucks when you feel like you’re being taken for granted. sometimes when i don’t hear from this certain someone for days i feel like im being used. i ask myself “does she really care?” and “does she really mean what she says when she says she values our friendship more than almost anything in her life.”? i can go on and on….

    it’s like i need more proof from her that she’s not just using me. like i feel that if im such a good friend and that she can turn to me for anything, then wouldn’t it make sense for us to be together?
    after all, isnt that what any girl would want in a romantic relationship? consistency, care, security, comapssion, loyalty…? so what’s the deal ladies? seriously. i guess it’s true what they say that men are from mars and women are from venus. why do i even bother trying to figure it all out anyhow? i just end up dizzy and hella frustrated. one thing i do know for sure is that i don’t wanna be a dark spot in her life. i wanna be someone that lifts her up when she’s down; that is always there when there’s no one else to turn to; that knows just what to say and just what to do to make her die laughing; that never judges or expects her to be anything but herself; that is a constant and consistent positive male influence in her life; that maybe reminds her of her dad or older brother; that will love her with all his heart even when she feels like she’s not worth it; that will never leave her side just because i didn’t get the answer or outcome i was looking for….

    as im sitting her in this hotel room, i cant help but look at my phone over and over. is the volume all the way up? how many bars do i have? she said she was going to text (which was 9 hours ago). is she with him? then my heart twists and burns, and the fire slowly trickles down my gut and my eyes water up, again and again. although i now realize this…. she needs me, and i should stop being selfish.

    no matter what happens in our relationship, ill always be there for her, because you never know. years down the line when my name crosses her mind, i want her heart to be filled with happiness and her lips to smile that cute little smile, cause she knows im still there. i cant be selfish. God put me in her life for a reason, and if that reason calls for me to just be her friend, then im honored and privileged to be that man in her life. to be a man is to sacrifice and realize. to realize that the hope and love you give her will last her a lifetime, and boyfriends come and go. there’s always a possibility that something will happen between us, and that’s good enough for me.

    much love guys and girls… spread the love and encourage each other. i always try and remember that it’s not all about me.

    isra alvarez

  8. You’re beta as fuck izzie. When youve moved away from her and you’re stuck with a girl that isn’t as good as her you’ll think back and wonder what would have happened if you said something. Regret is the worst feeling for one to have.

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